Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

Bootstraps

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.