My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
You Might Also Like
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.