My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
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Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.