Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣

I am having an out of money experience.

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.