My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
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Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment