My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
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I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.