My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
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Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.