My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
You Might Also Like
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good