Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

yeah no that’s fair

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

where’s Godzilla when we need him

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy