My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
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I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I’ve disappointed better people.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
We found love in a hopeless place.
