Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

What a kind woman! 😂😂

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

I feel this so hard

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

Pretty much! 😂👀