My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
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Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
This rocks
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.