My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
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angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer