My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
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I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
unbelievably distressed by this ad
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Okay me first
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.