My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
same energy
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.