Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

ㅤ

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.