Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

W

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*