My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
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I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Otters drive ottermobiles.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I feel it
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring