My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
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Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Breaking news:
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Thursday Thought.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Skip intro
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.