My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
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Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.