Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?