Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

Its a hippotatomus

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God