My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
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[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Everyone is getting idioter.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.