Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

“That’s what” – She

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.