Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

aura

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

thank god the sign was there

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL