Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

certified hallow’s eve classic

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

Velcrow

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:

Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor