Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

Tuesday

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

Hmm 🧐

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”