Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

can’t wait til they legalize outside

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

I’m dying louder than usual today.

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.