Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

They’re stuck in your pants?

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.