Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem

my name if I was in the mob

Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?

Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship