My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
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🤣dope
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Bring back the McRib
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I feel attacked.
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit