My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
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Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
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As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
smh
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Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
nice challenge
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob