My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
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Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
remember
only for emergencies
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.