Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

😂 amazing answer

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer

“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?