My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
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Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again