My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
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Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
This checks out
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
Happy thanksgiving!
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’