My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
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If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I’m putting together a team
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”