Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

Food gives you energy to nap more.

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.