My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
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I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
podcasts
stop
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one