My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
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When you try jalapeños for the first time
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
This is a true ally.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
My safe word is Worcestershire
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you