Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.