My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
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HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Feels
RT if you could go either way.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
