My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
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The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
*frowns in Scottish*
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex