My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
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COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.