Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

ㅤ

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.