My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
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When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening