My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
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when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
You might just have to resign…
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Mood.. 😂
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know