Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

bad news gang

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42