My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
You Might Also Like
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.