My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
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Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?