Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

Any refunds available?…