Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

😆

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

My zodiac sign is pistachio

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.