My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
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*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.