Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”