Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

When I pack too much for a short trip.

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

I’m ready to try another planet.

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

*jingles half the way*

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial