My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
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I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
the last thing a carrot sees
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.