My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
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‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
HOW DARE YOU
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.