Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”