My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
You Might Also Like
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!