My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
You Might Also Like
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.