Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.