Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool