My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
You Might Also Like
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I need this for my side hustle.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”