My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
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Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
He a real one for that
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.