My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
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[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.