My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
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It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.