My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
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TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Stop.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held