my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
You Might Also Like
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit