Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT

woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.