my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
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going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
How do you like your Corgi?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified