my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
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I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
When your man makes a valid point
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.