Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place