my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
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In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??