my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
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{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
all bases covered
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Spell check is for lasers.
