My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
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Bite me again
– my bottom lip
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
