Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling