My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
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A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
set yourself free xox
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.