my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
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I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Meow
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
*power walks to the refrigerator*
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack