my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
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When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.